tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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