But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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