Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
