I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
