How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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