yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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