you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
