It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
