I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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