help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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