did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
