you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
