did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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