Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
