can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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