I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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