The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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