Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So many bounce houses so little time
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
