You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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