He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
