i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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