but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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