Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
