My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
