Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
