I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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