We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
