I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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