It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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