I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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