He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
