i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
