I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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