the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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