hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
