He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Is it penis luge time yet?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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