What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
