If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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