i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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