He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
