im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
