On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
