What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
