Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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