Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
