I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
