i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
