I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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