i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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