Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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