I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
