toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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